Thursday, 30 December 2010

The state I'm in

I’m sitting in a lobby of a hotel in marble arch watching the mist lift from the square opposite my window, a magpie fly’s past and perches’ upon a tree.

This is the end of 2010, I stayed in a on suite room with a living room, a bath the size of a swimming pool and two TV’s on watching the real desperate housewives. I ran the bath maybe three times while I took calls listen to tracks and scratched my head wondering if I should go down to the private members bar for a coffee…Or go out take a load of drugs and have a an overdose.

This wouldn’t be a bad place to die in my opion but the thought of a bell boy taking the gated Victorian lift to my room only to find a young man like myself fucked up in a 4 posted bed with the real desperate house wives on doesn’t sound very good… it’s got no style.

I been sick for a few days, the neuiser Is driving me fucking crazy, I was sitting in a longer last night and the domed ceiling started turning like a record deck. Sweats pored down my forehead.

My mind is twisted and fucked some days more than others although I'm becoming more obsessed with health,

The marbled spiral staircase leading up to the mezzanine. Strange characters’ linger in the hotel bar everybody is somebody in this members club and I'm a nobody, I'm only the son of a member.

Security is so fucking tight they make you sit on a lounger waiting for your host to lead you in from the main door, word has it Madonna lived here for 6 months and the last time I was here rafe fines sat across the room.

A few years back I once met my father here for dinner and some lady told me to go downstairs and join in the party thrown by Jody Kidd and noel gallgers ex wife meg Mathews. I went out phoned dodger and told him to come here, I even offered to pay his taxi fare which set me back a tenner from Camden has he brought Phil {skully} with him or other wise known has {fog horn}, because when he got drunk he would just end up shouting instead of talking. Dodger roamed around with a double whisky and coke and stared chatting up the girl from atomic kitten; I was pretty convinced they were getting it on.

I don’t remember much from that night back in 2001 but all I do remember was bobby Gillespie roaming around in a white jacket and scarf in one corner, Damien Hurst in another corner and foghorn in another talking to himself… Jodie Kidd walked up to me and asked me what I was drinking I slurred the words from mouth “G+T”, she raised an eyebrow and gave me some cocaine…

I remember trying to get dodger’s attention away from that girl but she wouldn’t leave him alone, the rest of that night was one hell of a blur…

I think I was lucky I wasn’t remembered for some stupid antics like salsa dancing with some models on a glass/marble table that probably cost more than my life which enviable smashed to pieces, we were going up down it like it like it was ballroom contest.

I remember leaving to get to a night club that we all had guest list for and myself and dodger ended up clinging to one another at the bar trying to hang on to the bitter end…

Flash back of those messy days, dressed in my leather jacket acting has if I were in the biggest band at the time; we probably could have been if we didn’t so many drugs and get barred from every good venue across London.

The worst was we got barred from a venue up on the harrow road I think it was? The gig went so bad dodger got pissed off he threw his guitar at the drums heading at George and walked off the stage after the 3rd song, a mate of his cookie stage dived into Charlie brown and I stood there not really aware of what was going on? The next thing I saw was dodge being thrusted out the venue door… I went over to try and talk the manger into calming down a little but it was all too late has dodger foot come through the glass front door. The police was called and we were thrown out never to return, the very next week eighties matchbox b- line disaster played the same venue and was signed on the spot….

Things could only get more messy from that point, dodger assisted we kept writing and scrapping songs all the time. Chas was off his head on pills all the time and I felt has if I was always on acid….

A few months later I woke up after I checked myself into a clinic out in the country, that’s the worst because you can always check yourself out of these places. Do I stay or do I go? I pondered many of times.

I'm in a fucking loony bin but if I don’t do this I'm going to kill myself or kill someone else and I couldn’t bare the shame upon my family face any longer, I woke up asking myself what am I doing to them that hurts them so much not once did I ask myself that question.

It’s funny people will know who have been in the same situation will understand this: On the 3rd day after feeling locked away in the hills in Wiltshire over looking a field of cows you start to loose it on one way or another. I sat in the same chair for days just staring out the window thinking, thinking and thinking where did it all go wrong? Then I started to laugh and laugh…. and laugh and couldn’t stop… it was like what ever anyone said to me, I just laughed in there face because I couldn’t bare the reality of where I was anymore. I have been locked away for my own safety. Then some lady sat me down and said I couldn’t drink anymore it was bad for my health… what? I couldn’t understand that.

I looked around at all these strange people walking around in their pyjamas reading books and drinking tea and I couldn’t take it any longer I went to the reception asking them for my bags…

This poor Italian guy came in coming off heroin, fuck I never seen a young guy in such a bad way before, he must of only been around the same age as I, 21 or something? He couldn’t walk, his hands were shaking he couldn’t even get a cup of tea down him without it going everywhere

“So where are you from” I herd across the courtyard.

That’s when I met Kenny, 21 from London, stocky guy well built. Looked like a student and had a smile like jack Nicholson. He would smile before he talked and stood above me. He said, “I saw you laughing what were you laughing at?”

“Oh erm. Nothing really” I said

“yeah well, welcome to rehab “ he said with a grin across his face

I wondered if the quack’s had me set up in here?

Later that afternoon I had to leave group therapy because I was still in a bad state… some guy was going about something really stupid and the councillor was pissing me off. He was some bald dude who clutched his chin and wouldn’t make eye contact with you unless he had something profound to say to you so I walked out those huge wooden castle front doors and into a wood…. Not really knowing where I was going but really fucked off with all this shit, I kicked over a tree and got to a barbed wire fence and stood looking at some cows staring at me, I shouted at the top of my lungs at them “THIS IS BULLSHIT” … “WHERE THE FUCK AM I” and started to laugh again until it turned into tears and broke down on the floor by a tree.

Something happened that day I don’t know what but something changed in myself.

After that Kenny and I sat in the lounge and read books, drank tea most days with a few old ladies.

There was a lady named Lou who was like the mother of our table, She had one heck of life has a private escort and came across It consultants, Bankers, Rock stars, Actors and Mp’s and governmental people.

Some of the things these people requested for sexual pleasure opened my eyes a little more to this world especially the mp’s. She had this great laugh of a 40 year old women she would show me pictures of her young daughter and on visitors day tried to get me to go sit at the table with her family.

Then there was Gay Dave, a very funny man who looked like Will Ferrell.

At 6 am he came and rang a school bell in my room to wake me up for a morning jog. He got away with all sort’s of shit you couldn’t get away with in here and went to the director of this clinic with the idea that if he could have the permission to take 6 clients out for a run every morning for a run it would benefit the patients health. I was one of the unfortunate guinea pigs as it were. He sat across from me at dinner in the dinner hall and said to me

“You need to build yourself up young man” I cringed but knew what he meant years of anrexiora had taken it’s toll. There I was puffing away by breath running across the countryside in the snow and panting away.

I couldn’t take anymore so he made us all stop to play a game he called alpaca heads up.

We would shout at the top of our lungs at a field of alpacas grazing in a field and see if anyone’s voice would get there attention and if an alpaca heads raised from the ground then you scored points.

Christmas eve was not much fun, There is a point which you get to and you realise this is how great you are… you got yourself all locked up and fucked everyone around. I watched top of the pops 2 and felt shit watching the pouges perform there Christmas classic…I spoke to my family over the pay phone in the damp, cold cellar. I was alone in the room and sat in my bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee. The nurse would come down to give you your medication before bed and then light’s out at 11:30 pm but tonight she has let us stay up till 12. That’s when I met Chris. He sat next to me and started asking a lot about music and what I was into, this guy just arrived here after gay Dave who left. That’s the way this place rolls one graduates after 8 weeks and then another head case comes in. I began to not communicate so much to the new comers because so many people leave after that 3rd day or like this kid the other week who went for a walk and it was quiet a long walk we later found out.

He was found lying around in the snow high on mushrooms…

I became a bit reclusive and started taken what I was learning in, writing in my diary everyday and reading books about healthy/unhealthy relationships, substance misuse, feelings, spiritual beliefs, co dependency…

What did I know really I was 21 who got a little too wasted all the time, but always ended up in dark alley ways bleeding from being attacked, or police cells or stupidly crossing motorways in black out to get more drugs and booze every night… I just couldn’t really get it has to how it was a problem? All I knew is I could never hold down a relationship or job?

Kenny came over with his grin and I could read trouble. The local priest and church choir had come over to sing us Christmas carols. I wasn’t interested religion scarred me and I though this is it… they’re going to convert us over to god now. But by Kenny’s grin I was in what ever it might be?

The courtyard all nicely arranged a table layed out with fruit, biscuits, tea, and coffe for them.

We made the bananas and oranges into a display of penis’s and left bits of paper with 666 next to the coffee machine. Was this all a little too far? But we sat in the armchairs watching the church eat and drink from the table looking slightly uncomftable. Kenny was due to leave tomorrow and go back to London.

We chatted all night that night in our room hidden from the nurse and that was the last I saw of him.

I woke up and he was gone. He wasn’t there to have a chat with over coffee and cigarettes on the balcony anymore and all the new comers I kept myself a distance from apart from Chris who I think of ever day of my life till now. He had a young son who had been affected by his alcoholism like I was by my father at the age of ten. Chris son Finn cam up on visitors day and we went out and flew a kite together over the hills over the Wiltshire downs. It was good to see Chris get better each day from a shivering wreck he came in and get his life slowly back together.

Then my time came to leave, I packed my bag and got on a train to Bristol.

I watched the hills of Wiltshire disappear over the sun set upon the train and drank a coffee.

Six month later Chris and I shared a flat in Bristol and attended a secondary clinic to get are lives back together. One day I went into his room I smelt alcohol on him? I asked him if he had been drinking and he told me he hadn’t, but later admitted he picked up a can of special brew to see what was in it.

By this time we really got to know one another and I even became very close to Finn.

Two weeks later I packed up and headed back to London after 9 months away I got a call two weeks later Chris had thrown himself off a bridge into the canal.

Thursday, 16 December 2010