My eye’s shut and I find it hard to keep them open. My brain just won’t stop thinking… I’m never alone…I just observe. People rushing on to buses, standing around waiting for a tube in dark tunnels. People looking at their screens from the windows of financial buildings bellow over London Bridge.
The grey skies above me break, there a bird flies in the opening in complete freedom against a blue sky. The thought Crosse’s my mind maybe im too sensitive to be part of this world to which I see is all driven by money. The church next door to the bank tells you everything about life, your always going to be in debt to something I guess. What do I know any way? I caught the reflection of my dark eyes in a window on the opposite seat, Death seems like a better place than this…
I can still feel the alcohol leave my skin and breath into the air around me…Poisoning my soul. My legs feel like two bits of wood held together by string. I just don’t think this puppet can stand up any more even if I did have strings to hold me up.
I left a girls apartment over in Camden an hour earlier from a night of debauched sex…Lines of cocaine and enough pills to make me stay awake for another month. I can feel my inside’s touch them -selves pressed in by my own rib cage…
Returning from another black out I thought I escaped this all and have to returned to the same place again. 20 missed calls, 2 cigarettes a bag of MDMA in my pocket and I can’t even remember what the girl looked like or what her name was or how we met…to god I hope I didn’t get her pregnant.
I hide underneath the darkness of my sunglass…I don’t know how long I can carry on with this anymore. I can’t control anyone in the band and none of them seem to make any sense anymore. I got to the studio half hour late and one of the member’s was telling me what he thought what should go where and I couldn’t make out what he was saying…It was a blur.
I awoke the next day to see above me the clouds swaying in the wind.I laid there for what felt like hours watching them…twisting and making shapes before my very eyes. My cowboy boots sit at the bottham of the bed and the bag of MDMA as only but a few specks left.
I can barley make myself a cup of tea has my hand shakes vigorously from with-drawl symptoms and the psychosis is at it’s worst as I duck hearing a police car pass the road
A few hundred meters away. I pull myself up against the wall sweating. What is happening?
I figure it’s better I leave this house and go back up to Camden meeting a friend for a drink so I leave in a hurry and jump on the train leaving at 10:45 am. I couldn’t get there quicker even if I got out and started pulling this carriage.
I didn’t even get a chance to have a look at myself in the mirror before I left Fuck it anyway’, I got a gig over somewhere tonight with the Dukes and I got time to kill before the sound check. Once at the bar the shakes disappear…My head comes too and then I get the sense of impending doom coming over me like a freight train smashing into a car.
She is talking about something and I can’t make out what she’s saying so I just agree and nod in anyway I can, to make myself look as if I know what’s going on I know inside any minute now the black out will start and I hope I don’t sober up this time. I run out to a shop to buy some cigarettes and a preacher starts preaching at me.
Doe’s he see something that I can’t? I wonder.
“May the Lord Heal you,” he shouts at me.
I feel cursed and evil…I have a good mind to go over and push his face through the railings but I don’t. How fucking dare he say’s that to me I hear my mind say.
He looks like Morgan freeman just without the acne. He stares into my eyes. His dark dark eyes…I stop and look into his. I know he knows?. He knows I’m going to hell and the ticket I got in my pocket is a one-way ticket.
Flashes from the blackout a few night s ago come back, some indie innocent kid whose head we kicked in come’s back. The blood on my leather jacket…a friend looking proud of me as I brutally kick him while he’s almost out cold on the pavement of an alley way in Soho. I try and tell myself it wasn’t me? The stains on the boots that’s what it was that I was looking at from my bed earlier.
Fuck this Drink more & more… I’m either going to end up in jail or dead anyway. I roll into the sound check half cut and hiding it pretty well from the others in the band.
I look at the fret board of my guitar and my mind has gone blank I don’t even know what key this song is in and I played it like 1000 fucking times. I wonder where all these leads are going? I’m watching dodger has he staggers around the stage …I put my bottles of beer in a safe place from being knocked over.
I fuck up the first note but it comes back to me luckily with in seconds and I pull it off. “What do you want in your monitor” The sound guy asks. I don’t even know what to say so I just say loads of bass…
To be continued.